ᴄʜᴀʀʟᴇs Ⓧᴀᴠɪᴇʀ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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atomickings2014-08-04 10:39 pm
mentation) wrote in atomickings2014-08-04 10:39 pm
1963 - Where do you go? - Charles' cell.
[ Shaw already gave him the news. Told him every sordid little detail. Even gave him a number of casualties that had been made in Erik's name so far, acting like a giddy schoolgirl that got her wish. Charles of course shook it off at first - there was no possible way - and he knew, he would ask Erik whenever they were permitted to see one another that afternoon. The morning brings with it a dose of the serum, and Charles is calm enough as Erik is lead into the room, sitting with him.
They used to use this time to remember how the other person felt beneath their fingertips. They used to kiss, long, sweet and gentle. Charles used to slide on top of Erik, sometimes slip down to his knees, sometimes do whatever he could do to keep that physical connection considering their mental connection had all but been frayed away.
Right now, however, Charles is having difficulty looking the other man in the eye. When he finally does, it slips out. ]
What have you been doing the last few months? When you leave here, for elsewhere, where do you go? What do you do?
[ If he could read his mind he'd be able to tell exactly what the other man would do. he would be able to know that Shaw was lying (oh god he hopes he's lying) or at least know Erik wouldn't lie to him. Now, with the serum running through his veins, Charles has no way of verifying if he's right or if he's wrong. ]
They used to use this time to remember how the other person felt beneath their fingertips. They used to kiss, long, sweet and gentle. Charles used to slide on top of Erik, sometimes slip down to his knees, sometimes do whatever he could do to keep that physical connection considering their mental connection had all but been frayed away.
Right now, however, Charles is having difficulty looking the other man in the eye. When he finally does, it slips out. ]
What have you been doing the last few months? When you leave here, for elsewhere, where do you go? What do you do?
[ If he could read his mind he'd be able to tell exactly what the other man would do. he would be able to know that Shaw was lying (oh god he hopes he's lying) or at least know Erik wouldn't lie to him. Now, with the serum running through his veins, Charles has no way of verifying if he's right or if he's wrong. ]
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But he had to. He had to make Shaw believe he was on his side, he had pretend, so he could get the chance to kill him, so they'd all be free. So Charles would be free. And he tried not to think about how Charles would judge him, how he might even hate him for it. Erik would rather Charles lived, would rather he remained his beautiful self than be brought down to Earth and destroyed by Shaw. It was already too late for Erik anyway, he'd known that all along, ever since this had begun.
Still, he couldn't stay away forever. His heart ached to be near the other man, to touch him and kiss him and lie beside him whispering about better days, about a future stolen from them. So he'd gone back to see Charles, his long sleeved shirt meant to hide scars he'd recently received from one of the mutants he'd been forced to kill in self defence. Yes, it was self defence, wasn't it? Of course it was.
But of course he noticed the way Charles looked at him, and when he did he knew something had changed. Had Shaw told him? Of course he had. Erik looked away, unable to lie to his friend's face.]
Honestly, Charles, from your tone one would think you believed I've been doing awful; dastardly things. [A beat, he swallows.] Shaw just has me out exploring what's left of the world, finding mutants.
[If only that was really what he was doing. If only. He doesn't want Charles to know the truth.]
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Part of Charles wants to believe everything that Erik says is true. Part of him wants terribly to wrap his arms around him and drag him in close for a kiss, make love to him even with the idea of Erik allowing himself to be cast into a murderer's position hanging over his head. He's quiet for a long while, because Erik isn't looking at him.
No matter how much Charles stares at him, Erik doesn't look back, and that itself is telling. Erik can't hide when he lies. It's there on his face, a splatter even of blood on his neck that Erik may have missed when showering that morning (perhaps he cut himself shaving, but Charles doubts that a metal kinetic could do such a clumsy thing). He stares at him as if he can pull it out of him. ]
Are you sure, Erik? That's all you're doing? Just finding mutants? [ he tries again, his tone nearly pleading, pleading for it not to be true but moreso pleading with Erik not to lie to him anymore. he already knows the truth, why couldn't Erik simply confirm what he knows to be the truth? ] You haven't done anything else? [ Please, Erik, you're better than this. you're not Shaw's puppet anymore, you're better than this, and Charles suddenly wishes for his empathy, stronger than he's ever felt before regarding the idea. He closes his eyes and sighs. ]
Please tell me you haven't killed anyone. [ he opens them again, and gently cradles Erik's face in his hand. ] Just tell me this, please. I don't want him to be right. Please, Erik, tell me he hasn't manipulated you to play into his hand.
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He clenches his fists, then forces himself to look calm.] Of course I'm sure. That's where I've been. I'm sorry you can't read my mind to confirm it. [Thank god he can;t. Erik hates himself for thinking that, but he still does.]
I... I haven't killed anyone. [He forces himself to look at Charles, his expression going from sad to masked. Or trying to, anyway.] Now, can't we just talk about something else? Or are you going to keep accusing me of being a murderer? [You are a murderer, a little voice in the back of his head states. And you're killing your own kind now. Charles would hate you if he knew what you've become.
Erik wants to kiss him, too, to cross the short distance and take him in his arms. But... he doesn't deserve to and he knows it.]
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Erik, your voice is shaking, you can barely look me in the eye. [ he points things out, absently, and he wants to believe him terribly but a bigger part of him - the reasonable, logical side, the part of him that's been excised out due to being too naive is overshadowed by reason. He stares at him, watching him closely. ]
You've killed people before, I already know you have. You've told me. Why can't you just...just tell me the truth, Erik! [ he hates how short of a temper he has lately, his hand banging on the wooden table between them, tears barely visible in his own blue eyes. ] I'm accusing you of murder because you have blood on your neck, Erik. You stink of blood and death and ruin. And knowing you, I doubt it's yours.
[ he lets out a breath and shakes his head. ]
I just want you to be honest with me, Erik.
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You don't trust me enough to think I'm telling you the truth anymore? Is that it? You have to have the threat of your telepathy to keep me honest?
[he doesn't face him, he can;'t, not when he speaks next, and now his voice is really shaking. It hurts, everything hurts, like a knife that';s been shoved straight through his heart and yank right back out again.] What if... What if it's true, Charles? You'll hate me, won't you? I know you, you don't want me to be honest with you, you want to save me. So if I killed people, if I did what had to to get close to Shaw, you'd hate it.
[His eyes go to the door, and a part of him wants to run, to run away and not come back. But he remains, rooted in his spot, not facing the man he loves, the man who he can't loo at, not with what he's become. He can't do it. He can't admit to it. He almost has, but he just can't, not to Charles; sweet, wonderful, innocent, naive Charles.] You should be relieved I haven't, instead of being so quick to accuse me.
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It would be one thing entirely if you were telling the truth, Erik! [ he breathes out, knowing he's yelled, knowing that Shaw would probably be off watching them as if it was another episode of his daytime soap opera. ] You're lying to me, straight to my face! I gave you a chance to tell me, and you are lying to me!
[ his face goes stony, eyes boring into Erik's face, trying to get him to face him, truthfully, to actually face him. ] How do I trust you when you're lying to my face, Erik? I love you. [ it hurts to say and he nearly clenches, recoils back from the words. ] I do want you to be honest with me. What I don't want is for you to just continue to be his lapdog. You're better than that and you know it, Erik. You don't have to be his weapon. You can refuse.
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Alright, Charles. I'm a monster, a murderer. I don't have a choice. Is that what you want to hear? Are you pleased now? [He turns around, eyes livid.] Why do you have to know everything? Why should I tell you about the things I have to do? I can't refuse him anything!
[His voice is shaking now, and it's a good thing there is no metal around, because he knows that it'd be trembling with all the sadness and the rage he feels just now. Perhaps something worse than that might happen, too. Something might've gone flying, might've hurt the guard outside. Erik refuses to think he could hurt Charles, not physically anyway.
Mentally, however, that's a different story. Erik seems to have become good at hurting Charles that way, he again he hates himself for it. His fists clench, and it's like there's a coil wrapped around his heart now.] I can't refuse. Don't you understand? Don't you know what he'll do to you, to your sister, to Hank and Sean and Alex? I saved your lives by offering myself to him.
I'm trying to protect you. And you don't trust me. [Until the time comes when he can kill Shaw.]
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[ he breathes out and then stands, suddenly, angrily. ] You're making him SO very happy, Erik, by being exactly what he asks of you! He tells you to jump, you say how high. He tells you to kill someone and you do it gladly! What happens when he starts asking you to kill people closer to us, Erik?
[ he shakes his head. ] What happens when he tells you to kill Raven? Raven, or Alex, or Sean? What happens when that psychopath orders you to kill me? Are you just going to be his good little pet, kill off the people most important to you?
[ he shoves away from the table, turning his back onto Erik. ] Leave, Erik. I don't want to look at you right now. You're not protecting us, you're murdering for our sake. You'd rather make that man happy than protect the ones you love the most, protect your values you hold dear. You're nothing better than the men that you hated when you were young. Just following orders blindly.
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And even if it hadn't, Erik isn't sure Charles still wouldn't hate him. It hurts more than he can bare, that Charles thinks he would ever kill him, or Raven or the others, when he's only doing this to protect them.
« Sorry, Charles. I love you. Goodbye. » He knows the thought will never reach him, and perhaps it's better that it doesn't. Charles must hate him, and maybe that's better, too. At least he'll be alive in the end, and Erik would rather that than the alternative.
So he turns and leaves the room in silence, trying to ignore the hole that's slowly opening in his heart where Charles' love for him has once made its home.
He isn't sure if he'll come back, not until Shaw is dead. And maybe not even then, maybe he'll just send someone to free Charles so he can leave.]